


Outliving Scars

by Usedtobehmc



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 8x08, Aftermath of Torture, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Sex, Rape/Non-con References, References to Suicide, Season/Series 08, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, intense friendship, no easy answers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-01
Packaged: 2017-11-19 23:54:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Usedtobehmc/pseuds/Usedtobehmc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Extended what-if scene for 8.08.  Dean does his best to help when Castiel reveals he's suicidal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Outliving Scars

Dean was no good at these heart-to-heart things, that he firmly believed.  But damn it, just this once… he was going to try. 

“Talk to me,” he said. 

He should have known before Cas started talking what was really bugging him.  He wasn’t stupid: he knew that their holy tax accountant had done terrible things and one year’s time was not enough to heal the wounds from that war.  He figured that there were angels still gunning for his head, may have even been looking for him at that very moment. 

So maybe Cas was fearing for his life.  That’s what he figured. 

“I’m afraid I might kill _myself_.”  Finished Cas. 

There was a long, painful pause in which Dean couldn’t pull together a thought coherent enough to verbalize.  He was really sorry he forced the subject.  He didn’t want this knowledge; that Cas was thinking about offing himself to stop the guilt.  It was too heavy a burden.  There was a part of him that always believed and hoped that Castiel was unable to feel things this harshly; that he was still too “angelic” to have the same emotions humans did.  

But there was another part of him that was happy to know he was wrong.  Because now he had a chance to… help?

He swiped a hand across the back of his neck, a nervous gesture that he knew Cas would pick up on.  “I uh… I know what you’re going through.”  
  
Cas made a disbelieving noise.

“I do.” Dean insisted.  “Before you pulled me from hell, devastating souls was kind of my thing down there.  I mean… I was there for a long time.  I hurt a lot of people.  Not just hurt… we’re talking heavy, _heavy_ shit here, Cas.  I know what it’s like to be full of…. just _shit_ that had no business bein’ there.  It makes you do terrible things.” 

He paused to look at his hands, because he knew if he looked at Cas… well he didn’t want to look at Cas.  Cas would have _that_ expression on his face.  _The_ expression that seemed to cut to his core. 

“Torture.  Mutilation.  R— _shit_ … rape.  I did… I did it all.  And I’ve had to live with every single, gory detail of what I did ever since.  I’ve been there, Cas.  I know what you’re going through.”

“Dean…”  Castiel breathed, sounding for all the world like he was going to cry.

“Lemme get through this, OK?  Sorry, just…”  He patted Castiel’s knee, stopping the angel from continuing.  “After that, there were the nightmares.  And I’d wake Sammy up with my yellin’ and he’d ask what I was dreaming about.  At first, I didn’t give him any details.  I didn’t want to put that on him.  But after a while… I couldn’t help it, I needed someone to know what I’d done.  At that point I figured, hey, if Sammy hates me then I’ll have all the excuses I need to… You know.  But he… As much as I hated myself, _he didn’t_.”

He finally looked up at Cas only to find the angel looking at his own hands.  Dean was sort of relieved. 

“Thing is… he had so much faith in me, loved me so much… that it kind of made things worse, you know?  I felt bad that he could be such a good person to me and love me and waste all that _good_ on me.  He uh… caught me in the bathroom a week later with sleeping pills and a bottle of jack.  And you know, wrestling match, punches, he made me puke it all up by jamming his fingers down my freakin’ throat.”

Dean wiped hastily at a tear that was making it’s way down his face. 

“Look, point is…”  Dean grabbed one of Cas’ hands and held it tightly.  “I’d really rather you stay.  No matter how bad the pain gets.  The Void looks really attractive on some nights… but maybe if you share some of the pain… with me… it’ll help.”  
  
“Dean…”

“Promise me you’ll try, okay?  That if you ever start thinking it’s too much, or that you can’t take it, or if you’re too scared…  Just… let me know first, alright?”

“I…  I promise.”  Castiel was wholly unfamiliar with crying, which made the whole experience worse.  He tried to compose himself, clearing his throat and using his coat sleeve to lift the moisture from his face.  “How did you get better, Dean?  How did you forgive yourself?” 

Christ, Dean thought.  His eyes were so sad.  He shifted himself from Sammy’s bed onto his own bed, next to Cas.  He still clutched the angel’s thin hand in his own and squeezed it. 

“I dunno, Cas.  I think a big part of it was sticking around long enough.  Outliving the scars.  Other than that…  having someone that will talk to you no matter what is pretty good.”  He managed a weak smile.

Castiel nodded.  He was slowly learning that answers did not come easy here on Earth.  “I don’t want to talk about it.  The things I did.  But maybe that will change.  With time.”

There was a quick flutter through Dean’s chest that accompanied the feeling of relief.  “That’s good, Cas.  I hope so.”

Dean was utterly out of things to say.  So he leaned forward until their foreheads met.  To say it was one of the most intimate moments of his life would not have been an exaggeration.  

++++++++++++


End file.
